Adventures in milking

Our cow Jersey Bossy delivered (without any help from us) a beautiful red heifer calf, I can't tell you how excited I was. Now I can start milking well in 3 days, the calf whom I have named Ellie Mae need the first milk so my milking will have to wait. So while I waited I shopped for what else a butter churn, looked on youtube to learn about milking, dreaming all the while about the butter & cheese I would make. My day dreams were all about cows & milking too, I am nothing if not focused. I could see myself on a milk stool, leaning into the cows side hand milking her, I swear I could hear the theme song from the Walton's or Little House. Visions of the golden butter melting on the hot homemade bread just out of the oven were still dancing in my head when on the 4th day I took my stainless steal milking pail and a bucket of hot water to the barn. I poured the feed into her pail and sat down on my stool and began washing her udder, my stool feels a little low but never mind I’ll think about that tomorrow. One quarter was stopped up and I couldn't get a single drop of milk but the others OH! glory be was there milk! It was steaming out with little pressure from me, Now to figure out how to get to that back teat her leg seems to be right where I need to be so I ask very nicely if she could step up to which I got a slight kick in the shin & a poopy tail switching across my nose. I was too happy I was milking MY Jersey cow to think about the shit on my face. Give her a little more feed I ask my Honey (Sam) to which he replied no she has had enough, I thought he meant food but I think he was talking about my milking, so I happily got up off my knees as graceful as my 50 year old overweight body would allow. Thinking back I must have looked sight standing there with red hair all a mess, my blue sweatpants, pink polka dot muck boots, big baggie shirt, all covered with splattered poop & hay grinning from ear to ear. I probably looked a little high and I was I was high on the homesteading life! I was the proud owner of 2 quarts of fresh from the cow milk that somehow by a miracle from above didn't have any poop in it. As I stood there lovingly looking at my treasure, the cow gave a low moo and turned her back to me and let the poop fly once more but I didn't care I had my liquid gold and I rushed into the house to stain it and pasteurize it and let the glorious cream rise to the top as it always does. Now looking back I realize that 2 quarts is nothing in the vastness of her bag filled with gallons of milk but I didn't care I was in homestead heaven. Day 1 was a success even if only in my mind. Day 2 was going great and had started off with a good wash job of the udder and a good brushing of her sides and we, the cow & I had a nice talk about the prospect of getting more that 2 quarts of milk. We talked about how if it would be possible for to stand so I could get a good hold of that back teat & how if it wasn't too much of an inconvenience for her to not swat me in the face with a poopy tail and if she would be so kind as to not kick me today I would be such a happy homesteader. I found out that my cow doesn't know how to keep her word, she had plainly agreed to all the above. Well to give her credit she didn't kick me but somehow she managed to poop right in the edge of my sparkling stainless bucket and ruin a quart of milk. The poopy tail across my face must be some sort of cow humor that she can't resist. I was in a forgiving mood so I just laughed it off & headed back into the house thinking I would get the upper hand tomorrow. I’m sure I heard giggling from the barn, do pigs laugh because I know cows do. Day 3_ I was set with all my milking buckets I set out to the barn, I must admit my sprits were slipping when Bossy stared right away with tail in the face gag. Then kicked the bucket over spilling the precious little milk I had gotten and I had to resort to getting on my knees to fetch it, and as I leaned in to get the bucket she kicked not to get me but as another part of her comedy act, but it did make me jump just enough rip a gash in my arm from the wire that was holding the fence gate up. I admit I was feeling like high school again with the popular girls laughing at me. Well I will get the last laugh, E -bay sells milking machines and I own one and we will see who has the last laugh when UPS brings my dream maker home. Do you hear the Little House theme playing……